*Cues “What’s Beef* by Notorious B.I.G Instrumental*

Now the generalized definition of grief is the emotional response to loss, such as a death of a loved one, divorce, serious illness…
But what people don’t realized is when they say “it comes in waves”…the waves are the stages and they can happen at ANY TIME at ANY PLACE. My grief hit me at work and I just had to go. I couldn’t breathe, the room was unbalance, I couldn’t focus, think, speak. Anxiety is scary. And me not eating for days straight was jus the icing on the cake. I just knew grief had a hold of me and was sticking it’s claws in me deep.

According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross- The 5 Stages of Grief are:
1) Denial- Refusing to accept reality
2) Anger- Blaming your self & others
3) Bargaining: Negotiating/bargaining with fate
4) Depression: Despair after facing reality
5) Acceptance: Coming to terms with Loss
Years later they have added Shock & Guilt to the list as well.

So I went home, and just felt the hands of despair…just feeling them hand me down deeper into my hole of agony. (like the Hands sticking out the dirt in DMX ‘Slipping’ video. And I thought…Have I always been feeling this way and I just suppressed it? Pretty sure that’s answer. I just hit the ground running when I was cleared to go back to work. I thought them little 8 weeks of maternity leave was enough for me to shell myself and come back out whole…WRONG!

Then I thought… Okay…I went through Shock when we 1st learned of the possibility of the girls fate. Like, that very moment. Because what do you mean my cervix giving out?? How have I not had any of the symptoms they’re describing to me right now? ..Or had I been dismissing the signs? Because for 2 weeks I had “heaviness” but I just took it as because I was carrying two. I straight went to bargaining with God after I lost Latrese first. Because how could you take a perfectly good baby like a thief in the night?…Literally through the night…I told God he could do anything to me, just let me carry Lavon until her lungs developed. My boyfriend was sooooo upset with me that I made the decision to still carry her. But, like the knight in shining amour he is, he still supported my decision. (Ugh, why I never to this man. Every. Single. Things. He’s voiced his opinion on, he was right… And I never listen..Never.)

I Was in Denial WHILE having them and shot straight into anger after. I accepted it and went back to work. But after my boyfriend took me to Chicago for my birthday I felt guilt setting in. Because he was doing all this, in the midst of knowing his job was shutting down in a few months, worried about bills, maintaining the house, maintaining ME, his children..he was spiraling himself and I was the only one realizing it YET I continued to be selfish and not even think, He was apart of this too, he was there..Even though I could tell he was in shock when I pushed them out, I forced him to hold them..and as a man, my man..he did, because in his eyes as a man, he gotta show up, no matter what. & in that split second I thought, he shared the same grief and anguish as me and I never not ONCE thought about that…because he didn’t SHOW it..and when it did, pshhhhh…and THAT what was killing me. That guilt babyyyyy…tore my muthafucking ass UP!!!! I fucked up..BIG TIME and my stomach began hurting even MORE. I’m talking constipation, on & off fevers, just straight agony, pain & torture. My stomach constantIy in knots….churning..like a big swirl of darkness brewing and trying to take form. At this point I’m straight not eating. And what made me realize “damn…I ain’t ate in 4 days..” was when I put on my necklace with the girls urn..a simple gold herringbone necklace going through their gold heart shaped urn..with little footprints. But when I put it on, I noticed it draped long as hell to the middle of my breast bone. And it has always fit kinda like a choker lol. I thought maybe I didn’t clasp it right..And felt that it was indeed closed. But I looked in the mirror and I just looked grey and gaunt. My giant puff looked choppy now, my hair fell out in the middle…and my mustache was IN, I was like aw man. And it was then when I realized…I am currently going through a spiritual awakening and cleansing.

See, I had some Spikenard oil (oil that rubbed on Jesus at his burial) from a spiritual lady my Aunt put me in touch with. (and yawl, when I say that lady kept blessing me..during my pregnancy and after. Her words of encouragement, scriptures and enlightenment was ON IT..it was like God was talking to me through her, because every worry & question I was having internally she would answer in 3 cards in boxes she made…I’m talking front to back, up to down, HANDWRITTEN things.) and I hand some womb oil that was to help release womb blockages from my holistic lady. And I would rub them two oils on my stomach everyday and pray to God that he healed my womb & healed my mind body and soul when I came home, TRUE STORY. It was months later of me doing that when everything started to hit me at once. And it’s NOW that I’m realizing..your organs store different emotions and I’ve been suffering from severe stomach issues now since Thanksgiving now..And What organ stores guilt you might ask?…the stomach. What organ stores Depression/anxiety??….Appendix.. & what I’m being treated for btw..but the stomach pains was so crazy, Urgent care thought it was appendicitis and I was sent to ER..only for my scans to say “unremarkable findings” in all my organs -_-…but I know I’m not crazy, because even my PCP was hearing strange sounds other that what was supposed to be swooshing in my digestive tract & parts of my stomach..so now I gotta get scoped -_-….But Now that I’m going to the doctor..going to therapy twice a month..doing the reflecting, prayer & finding the root cause of my anguish, (because it goes deeper than this man..crazy..)..

But my anger and guilt was towards him. I blamed him for losing the girls because I felt like he didn’t love them when he wouldn’t feel them move. And I was angry at him because even though I kicked him out of the hospital room the day after I had them, he should’ve stayed. He should’ve stayed..
And after we had our big sit down it was then when I realized. Everything I put out on the table on him, were things I needed to work on me. REAL FUCKING BAD. Then grief hit me AGAIN because now I feel like a big fat piece of SHIT. Not only that, I knew what he was asking OF me during our sit down, and it’s something I CANT do..I can’t let go. I feel like the Anxiety character on the kid move InsideOut 2, when she was spiraling and the Joy character was telling the emotion “you gotta let her go, u can’t control her”…his ONLY complaint of me after I ran down a grocery list for him, was…. for me to let go of reins in the relationship & let him lead because he’s tired of me swatting my hands away….and it was then I realized…I gotta go hard in therapy and turn to “little Tee” and let her know it is okay, WE are safe and that I’m proud of her. It’s her who’s scared, not me. MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN…that’s something I’ve avoided FOR YEARS..for this exact reason. WHO WANA go through the pain and opening up old wounds, revisiting scenarios like it was yesterday..RE-LIVING them same emotions that made you build up this fortress any ?!?!?!?!
……………….me……………….
cuz I’m tired of feeling this way. And my body and spirit is EXHAUSTED from carrying this hurt & baggage. I’m to ready to live this “soft girl life” you girls speak of. And I absolutely told him that. And I could tell it broke his heart that I been THIS HARD for THIS LONG. And making this major move feel like swallowing 12 Popeyes biscuits with honey on em. But we both know it’s what I HAVE to do, ON MY PART to mend what I thought the girls took away. But they actually served their purpose with me.I sat down one Strawberry Moon in my apartment 9 years ago and I wrote down everything I wanted to manifest. (that’s my go to moon fr..everything I’ve write down under that moon has came to me.) The major changes I’m going through at this exact moment is what I wrote down, the job, the boyfriend, the house, the ideas…but I was also praying for change, growth, wisdom, peace..to make me into the woman I dreamed to be. In numerology, year 9 represents transformation…completion, letting go, personal growth, reflection, deeper love, re-evaluate long term goals, learn new skills & begin new beginnings. EXACTLY WHAT I’M IN RIGHT DAMN NIE!!! It just just like the Tasmanian devil swirling through my body. Holy Ghost? Kundalini experience? Joy coming back? IDK…

But while I watch him sleep like a creep, I can see that my BF is my twin flame fr. He has made me realize that my complaints of him are just a reflection of me and what I need to work on internally and vice versa. And in all honesty, now that I have realized somethings and have be diligently applying them and focusing on better me for us…he’s doing the same and has hit some personal goals he had to face. And I love that for us. Because we’ve come too far. Now it’s time to put in the REAL work. The work I feel the reason most relationships fail…when people say “it takes work” .. THESE PERSONAL LIFE LESSONS IS THE WORK..and it’s TRASH man, TRASH!!! LMAO. I see why people won’t change. This shit hurt too bad LMMMFAOOOOOOO.

Now I’m not going to be basing my space off naming the stages “1 by 1”..I’m hitting you with the stages as they roll in for me. And I’m ready for them this time. I don’t know my triggers that’ll put me there YET but I know to look out for what WILL BE the triggers and how I maneuvered through that shit with ease and grace…light on the grace LMAO. But I’m like liquid baby, I move through it. And I’m so Gangsta, cuz I want to FEEL THAT SHIT..I’m curious cuz I need to know what makes it tick, stick and blow. I want to know how to keep it at bay and how/when to face it. Cuz it depression/anxiety MIXED with grief?? Nahhh, it ain’t finna “lil bow wow” me…and I absolutely do not want to be put on medication LMAO. I do take an herbal mix tea from my holistic lady in LilWeezyAna. AND HER BLENDS DOES WORK to help calm me down. I drink it 3 times a day. But I’m also actively applying pranayama breathing techniques (I should’ve been doing this when you told me you’ll help me through healing Tiff Mckissack SMFH and I never came. But thank you for throwing me this ally-oop from heaven!)…. prayer & THERAPYYYYYY (get it! I LOVE my therapist, she’s changed my life and don’t even know it).
I am working to be in my soft girl era now. Im ready LMFAO.

Thank you Lavon & Latrese for showing mommy I really needed to work on myself, love on myself. for helping me realize it’s time to level up in my life. I feel like I’ve just advanced to the next realm LMFAO.

But yea, Grief..is everywhere, every day, every hour. Proof reading this, I feel…acceptance..with a hint of denial…cuz like, damn. People view me as so strong…and I be circling the drain of delulu LMFAO. I do NOT have it all together…I just don’t like people to see me lose..another thing I’m working on…I’m just a mess Chile. A mess..#DisTewMuch.

Talk to yawl next week.