Now failure isn’t a stage of grief, but it wallows around the same feelings of it. Because you feel like dang…I couldn’t even do that!
FOR ME, my “failure” is bouncing between anger and bargaining at this point. Like, I’m tired of bargaining…replaying certain shit…thinking of different ways things could’ve went about differently. And that’s insanity…because I can’t change what has already happened…and I can’t change what’s to come because it’s already written. YES, you can manipulate certain avenues a situation to go in your favor…but what’s the point if you aren’t THAT AIN’T THE AVENUE YOU WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!
That’s where I am. I KNOW I cannot change what happened…but I get SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO got damn angry. Because HUH?!?!

Now pause for sec. Because I attended church today with a good friend of mine who have been extending her invite since she started a new church home. Grant it…I always joke like “I ain’t going to church, cuz ima be sizzling in the back” LMFAO but really…what I’ve come to know as “anxiety” now….church gives me really bad anxiety. “How can the house of the Lord give you anxiety? He cast it away…”??? LMAO IT’S THE PEOPLE!
This was the first time I felt the pull to attend service, on my own accord I might add. Because, all I ever remember was it was never my decision to go lol, I was always told. “get up! So I can do your hair, we going to church today” and here I am half sleepy like huh? I don’t even want to go lol. I was TOLD Things of the Bible that…of course as a kid I had questions because I could COMPREHEND very well..this was mmmm.. age 5-7. SO, one Sunday we with my grandparents and my Mom whispers down to me in the pew “go up there” and I’m like HUH??? Like, I don’t even know what’s going on right now, cuz I definitely was NOT paying attention, I’m mad I’m here anyway, she probably burnt my forehead curling my bang lol, like I legit started spiraling in that pew LMFAO. BUT I’ve built myself up at this time to be strong and resilient, so I walk up there..the church clapping..I’m standing next to some kids and the Pastor going down one by one asking “Blah Blah Blah…Do you give your life to the Lord Jesus Christ” and kids all saying saying yeah and I’m like “AWWWW NAWWWW, I DIDN’T EVEN WANA DO THIS!”….because I WASN’T READY. I understood exactly what was about to be asked of me..but I knew (from my time in youth night on Mondays WHICH I HATED! cuz I went by myself..) but I knew from my “research” and learning..I wasn’t ready yet to make that step because I didn’t FEEL that connection they raved about..
SO the Pastor finally get to me and shove the mic in my face..NOW EVERYBODY ZOOMED IN AT ME..I. AM. SHIT. At this point. Cuz I know my family that i’m locked in on amidst the sea of members was depending on me…and I didn’t want to let them down. 😦
So the Pastor give me the run down then as the question and hold the mic to my face and I say “…I don’t understand…” LMFAO and before I could finish the church gasped and when I looked over to my mom and grandparents they nervously shaking their heads yes…sweating…with their hands clasped to their chins…So I just obliged to make them feel better. I never told nobody that story from THIS perspective because I was always ashamed that God KNEW I lied to appoint Jesus as my Savior and give my life to Christ…because in that moment I didn’t…I battled that in my heart til this day. Cuz God know I’m locked in with him..It’s just…I have so many questions and wanted answers and “because the Bible said so” just wasn’t good enough for me.

So here I am, standing in the mirror like “dude, you gotta get your shit together!!” I texted my friend like “mayyyyne, come pick me up”…to hold myself accountable for that next step I dreaded so deeply. Cuz I would’ve got right back in the bed lol. So we get to church (THAT WE CAN DRINK COFFEE IN !!!!!!) Now, this is what we would call (a white church) LOL!! But I guess you can say non denominational. But anyway, it was knew for me, because, all I’ve ever been to was “black churches”. And the things that black churches do that make my anxiety flare is 1)stare 2) hound you to join if they see you more than twice 3)demand you do something within the church ( I don’t want to do none of that, I just want to hear the word, give if I can and get on). So, I wanted to see if it would be different. And it was..they were very “technical” and with the times, to relate to the younger crowd..but didn’t let it take away from the spotlight of the word. I liked that. I also liked it wasn’t mad long.. it was “praise/devotion..announcements..choir, preacher, asked ONCE if you wanted to join (and sat on it for 30secs)…over” Like, I like that!

But back to topic, that fear of going to church on my own accord was real..Because EYE was ready. I damn near fasted 60 days leading to this point. I’ve been praying, manifesting, doing shadow work, while working on the present..but I still felt the spirit of failure. I really feel it with my parents and I really hate it. Because, I avoid them..and if you know me you know that ‘s not ME.. like I’ll drop in..do what I have to and leave…but I avoid. Because in my deranged mind, I feel they look at me with sympathy now, like I’m a porcelain doll..like I’m weak. I couldn’t even give them the grandchildren they were happy to receive. Like, that constantly plays in my mind. I feel like a failure in my relationship because I realize where I got it wrong, where I’m getting wrong and now the “is it too late?” swirling in my mind. And Geez I’ve neglected ALL my God kids…I don’t want to be around no kids at times. And my niece, I still try to put on my strong face and be active with her and it’s so hard because even though she’s 3, she’s very advanced. Like we’ll be chilling in silence and she’ll just be like “your babies in with God now?” or She’ll realize that I’ve drifted off to somewhere else in the house to be alone and she’ll find me and me be like “are you okayyyyyy?” like it’s shit like that and I be like damn, she knows and ain’t never gona forget it..

So it’s so crazy people be like “I admire your strength…You are taking this so gracefully..you are doing a really good job” just big’n me up and I feel like a mad failure all way round at this point in my life. So I NEEDED to get over this fear of heading to church. And of course, soon as we stepped in during praise & worship warm tears just got to falling nonstop. And I just raised my arms like “GOD I’M HERE!! I don’t know what to say or do..but I’m here” and he took the way..and that spirit lifted off me for the remainder of the day. And everything that Pastor spoke about, was my message I needed to hear. I’ve been picking up on it, but couldn’t really connect the final pieces. Matthew 4:8-11, Psalms 91:11-12, REVELATIONS 19:11-16 and OMG.. LUKE 4:2 (when he spoke that, I leaned to my friend and whispered “I’m doing that and haven’t even realized!!” and she looked at me like OMG you’re so right! I’ve steered away from God’s way for SO LONG like “imma just create my own path..I’ve done it that way so far and I’ve turned out fine” and I haven’t -_-. Thinking back I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have had to go through 85% of the dumb shit I put myself into..but I was just determined to proved that I could do it BY MYSELF. And my boyfriend made me realize I can’t do US by MYSELF. And one day I was talking amongst our friends telling them my educational background and they like -_- why you never started a podcast, blog, blah blah…and I get irritated because I’ve heard it for so long, and I tell everyone, I’M NOT MOTIVATED TO DO SO! like damn! I don’t want to do it now LMFAO but everyone , EVERYONE always be like “but that’s your calling” and to spite that, I would pick up something else..going deeper in the cycle of “taking too many wrong left turns will lead you right to square one.” And that’s me, over and over all these years. ALL I HAD TO DO WAS LISTEN..in ALL aspects LMAO. So one night I was like like Lord, I’m tired of fighting against your will..just let it have its way at this point cuz obviously I’m getting it wrong LMFAO.

And here I am. Still reflecting in real time, pondering on things that’ll make me better along this journey. It Might be some typos, I just banging this out from last night..and I ain’t proof reading it LMFAO. Hope this entry of my journey help someone today with fighting the same failure spirit somewhere in their life. All you have to do is be still, quiet & listen..the answer will come to you. That little voice just told me “start it” and I got over the fear of “what if no one will read” and created it. I NEEDED that push, because my creativity meter was shot, I didn’t want to do NATHANIEL. But here I am. LOL
Talk you next entry.