Hey yawl, I know it’s been a minute…but I also said… I’m Flakeyyyyyyyy lol!!!! But also…I haven’t really been feeling ANYTHING. Well, I’m not going to say anything…but as far as the emotions of grieving, I haven’t had them all week. WHICH IS A GOOD THING! One thing that always replay in my mind, is my therapist telling me “The stages of grief are linear.” Meaning, they absolutely will NOT happen in the order they are present. I could be feeling acceptance this week and in the same day, think of a trigger and fall right back to anger (which I do pretty frequently, but I’m learning what triggers me and ATTEMPTING to regulate them.) For example, when people talking to muthafucking much (LMAO jk)..but one trigger for me is when a person constantly talk about another person’s pregnancy, who’s been facing fertility issues as well. Don’t get me wrong, I am VERY happy for that person. If I had love instead of grief, I would shower them with that happiness…but I’m not going to lie, I don’t. Because in that SAME split second that I’m saying “awww, I’m so happy for them..” SIMULTANEOUSLY I am thinking “aight, now shut the fuck up, cuz I really don’t want to hear this shit right now..” But I still smile and push through it.

I’ve learned to give myself grace in this situation. Because “why am I feeling this way??..i’m NOT a hater!..I’m happy for them!” But in the same token, I don’t realize that people think “Even though she seems fine today, maybe it’s still a sensitive subject to bring up” BECAUSE IT IS!

It’s crazy how people have become so emotionally unavailable and lack sympathy/empathy. Not saying give it all the time…but READ THE ROOM, GOOOOT DAMN!! Why shouldn’t I still feel sorrow? Why do you feel like I should just keep moving on with my life and not acknowledge them? That’s so weird to me. Then when I can’t take it anymore and moue THEEEN people be like “I’m sorry, I wasn’t even thinking…” No..no you weren’t. Thank you for realizing that…dipshit lol.

I now practice self compassion every day…I make it a POINT to. Like, growing up, I was in a household where I could voice my opinions and emotions on most things…but I also knew not to share my “real feelings” on serious things because I always told myself, what I was feeling didn’t matter anyway, because I WILL make a way to get over it. Every situation, big or small, I put my armor on and got through it because even during flight or fight:

• I had to be a big girl and run through the obstacle to make it through
• I had to save everyone, I HAVE TOO.. I didn’t have that older sibling to look after me, so I always had to watch over others as well as watch over my. And I took pride in that..cuz it was ME who built ME up as a kid.

Of course, your parents instill the righteous, self love/understanding, right/wrong ordeal in your mind while you’re young AND throughout life (hopefully yours has too at some point), but all while my mother poured self love into me (because she said she didn’t want me to be like her: shy, timid, scared to speak, afraid to make friends… A SPAZ, is what she created LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO just like her (hey girl) LMFAO. But all while I interpreted “self love” as:

Self love TO ME

• Loving yourself
• understanding why you think how you think
• eating your favorite foods while in a good mood
• take a day at the spa
• Having all the sex you can have in one day

THAT IS NOT GOT DAMN SELF LOVE LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

How naive was I?? 🤣Because after I discovered, I didn’t have a hobby (yes, i’m interested in different things, but nothing I was serious about).. I’m TOO anxious in my relationship, I REFUSED to do shadow work, like ALL these years because I absolutely did NOT want to bring that shit back up and re-live things. BUT…when you don’t listen to God………………

He FORCED me to turn to myself to finally realize, NO BITCH! You ain’t as put together as you thought you were!! You don’t prioritize yourself, expect to set boundaries yet you respect others, self-sabotaging, you’re not forgiving, and you know…just some more HOE ASS SHIT he made me realize. And it’s funny while typing this, I’m thinking of all the times my boyfriend said these things to me…but it was always during a heated moment WHICH in return FLIPPED MY SWITCH! CUZ WTF U TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW?!!?! LMFAO that’s crazy.

BUT…but…what he was saying was exactly what my ears were craving! It’s like he dropped a truth bomb that led me on this wild ride, lol…the path of “righteousnesssssNUH” LMFAOOOOOO naw areal tho……
I just want to make the right strides to finally get it right, because I had so so so so wrong. I’m finally ready to get right with the Lorrrrrd. I’m tired of being evil (mermaid man voice from SpongeBob).

So yeah, I’ve been in a space of….I wouldn’t say nothing. It’s more of … have you ever seen the tv show ‘Steven’s Universe’ … and Steven stuck his head in Lion’s Mane..and he’s in a calm, airy, warm, safe, pink safe created by his mother where store important things. Only thing is, he can’t breathe so he holds his breath while he’s in there.

I guess I’m not really in acceptance…denial?…At times, It feels like I can’t hold my breath…