During my therapy session last week, I came to the realization that..I have reached the Acceptance stage of Grief with the Girls. Not a day goes by I don’t think of them. I talk to them, I pray with them.. I’ve accepted that: They were a beautiful tragedy..a blessing in disguise. They TAUGHT me…I’m becoming everything I prayed/manifested/wrote down/daydreamed about. They were the catalyst to me going down this road. I NEEDED them to do that. Because I was going down a road where I wasn’t being true to myself..what I was destined for. They were like naw Mom.. u can’t/AINT gone go down LIKE THIS!

I literally was ready to give up. The entities that were attacking me, I felt like I was ‘there’..I couldn’t defeat em..might as well join em. And my boyfriend was emotionally unavailable.. he was trying so hard to hang on for me while going through his towering moments as well…I was BEGGING him to carry me cuz I couldn’t See the Forrest for the trees..I became too weak, I couldn’t carry it all any more. I NEEDED him, but he was broken down as well.. and when he told me he couldn’t..I felt attacked. Like, damn…the #1 person who need to be there for me won’t?!?!!? But it is NOW that I realize, I was not giving him grace and mercy. He was going through the SAME stages as me..and I was too prideful to see that..to realize that. And that hurts..cuz no one wants to be like that intentionally. I just be like damn…I’m sorry babe…

But I fell into that deep dark pit of despair..in that exact moment..like on Mortal combat when you lose and just fall into them spikes at the bottom…right in the middle of my living room..while my 120lb Cane Corso hid in depression & fear behind the couch 😢 (That Dog pulled me out so many despairing moments..that’s my son FR..it’s like he telepathically knows what to say just by gazing..no words..it’s crazy lol). And when I leveled myself out a bit…he came running right by my side…and stayed there and I petted him for HOURS.

And it was during that spiral I thought, Okay.. maybe I’ve been asking God the wrong questions OBVIOUSLY! And after learning some vital key points in my foundations Class in Church abt how to establish YOUR close relationship with God & the things that our asked of us..I was able to finally see. Lavon & Latrese PUSHED me..the same as I pushed them.

Strength, love, wisdom, forgiveness, merciful, divine partner…to grow physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally…become a better saver/spender, TO BE OBEDIENT..not only to myself but to God.. successful career..to be abundant. I prayed and wrote down ALL THAT SHIT! Everything to make me elevate to become a better woman than I was during the moment it was written.. WOW.. “it is written.”

THEN, I thought… they were my cue to get on my shit. How am I asking God to bless me to be of THAT when I wasn’t ready to step into that role. I remember I specifically wrote I wanted to be ALL OF THAT so I could bring a beautiful healthy Baby into this world….I had not elevated to that woman I was asking to be while carrying them. I am an Alchemist. I needed to transmute my pain back into love to fill myself so I can over flow. And spirit told me that!.

I just realized WHILE WRITING THIS.. I legit created my blueprint to become a wife. All the attributes I wrote were of a Good Wife. All through Proverbs it gives perfect examples of how we are to in union when God is 1st in the relationship (FROM BOTH). My higher self in that moment let my lower self exactly what to ask for..and the tools to build me along the way..I sure did.

Then, I stepped into my season, planted seeds, watered my Harvest..and it’s time to do MY PART while learning the loving way of the Lord and building my foundation.

I NEVER would’ve went down that road if I the Twins didn’t initiate this grief in me. It’s irritating as FUCK going through it. But the universe had it set up that way. Life throws us all curve balls to learn lessons. When you learn the lessons..you graduate spiritually. I’m no longer the person from 1990-2024. Ironically my name on urban dictionary is a mythical being born of Earth & Fire..I’m like the Phoenix that rose from the Ashes.

And that phrase alone signifies renewal…transformation after devastation. A Phoenix is a bird that was reborn from its own Ashes.

That is me. When I read that. THAT’S what made me step into acceptance.