Hey yawl! So much has happened since the last time I WROTE. I’ve done a few videos here and there and I thought….this time…let me write it out, I haven’t done that in a while.

It’s actually been a minute…Mother’s Day to be exact. I’ve just…been riding the waves of emotions…identifying them. Wondering what it all really means. It’s real out here in the field lol. Idk…I guess this is my solitude timeline. I don’t say much..studying…thinking…soul yearning….GROWING.

Never in a million years would I thought I’d be at this point in my life. But…in stead of me looking at it as my life falling apart…I’m looking at it as, it’s finally falling together.

Grief wise, I’ve shifted back to blame. Still projecting, mini crash outs here a there. All because I didn’t want to face that mirror. Cuz… HOW CAN I BE THAT WAY?! … And the type of person I am, I HAVE to dig deep to find out WHY I’ve picked up this negativity and how can I turn it positive? Cuz honestly…I got tired from running from myself.

And spiritual wise, I was tired of being in the midst of same cycles, patterns & situations. And divinely as it is…it was brung to my attention, that I am missing the lessons. The root, cause & reactions. So now I’m analyzing every towering moment with a fine tooth comb to figure out this cause & effect. Which would lead to my solution??? .. I’m getting there yawl lol. But I’m like bro…c’mon God..I ain’t ask you to turn up the heat in the kitchen LOL…. But I guess I’m in my “mashing” period so to speak. Cuz, you know how God uses mustard seed as an example of how he pressing & mold us to produce good fruits of his Labor, so to speak. MASH ME LORDT!!! LOL

Because I know I am on to something. He gotta make me a good wife…cuz not only when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing. But I’ve come to learn… Marriage was created to be the number one example of your relationship with God. But, I am all human, don’t make that mistake of viewing other wise. But yea…

And don’t even even get me started relationship wise LMAO, cuz it’s just towering there too.. BUT it’s all divinely calculated. Everything is supposed to happen. Because just like me, he’s on his own journey. God is the referee, and grabbing us both by the collar LOL.

And in that time…I’m still depressed… because I’m grieving the old me..That I can identify. Everyday I’m peeling back a damn layer. I’ve done shed 60lbs…my hair dun fell out, all I do is ponder. I’m learning my triggers, controlling my emotions…becoming, more emotionally intelligent. RE-learning what I want, what I don’t want, boundaries, acceptance, old interests aren’t my new. What I once laughed at isn’t funny now.. and what I think is funny now, I wouldn’t dare thought it be comical 10 year ago. I now see the split when people change for the better or the worse. Because it’s fear setting in … fear because of the unknown..Who is this woman? What does that become of the old one?…Am I erasing my self? I liked the way I was… but did I?

Because that girl lacked self love. And when I started pouring back into me I started to realize…what I thought was intelligence, really was rooted in pride and ego…what I thought was communication was really manipulation & control..What I thought was protection was harm. And on this journey I’ve discovered, that I wear a mask too. And I am SICK… That I’ve come to face that. Buuuuuut, I prayed to be a better woman blah blah LOL. I AIN’T ASK LIKE THIS!!!! I see why people wreck themselves. It feels like you eating yourself alive.

And don’t get me started on the generational shit I’ve come to scratch up. Like c’mon mayyyyne!!! And everyone just keep making the same damn mistakes (including me) and I’m just sitting back like yoooo..all this gotta stop, It’s insanity at this point to keep repeating the same cycles!!! But it all boils down to who’s willing to be like ” damn…I’m a piece of shit..let me change that..cuz I’m not really not shit..I am somebody” LOL and who won’t. That’s what I’ve come to learn.

But that entity ain’t gone keep me down for long. That’s what it want me to do. And I AIN’T !! And that is the Devil’s & all the other evils in this world job is…To keep you from God and to keep you stuck and not want you to grow. Cuz when you start expanding and raising your frequency and building your relationship with God the correct way, not out of “what God can do for me” it’s a beautiful thing. Wish I discovered this 10 years ago. To save myself some damn time LOL. But, even then, I was running from myself. So I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I’ve come to learn if I didn’t go through em. Chile, I’m sick of it all at this point to be honest LOL!!!!

But that’s all I got for now. Still grieving..still breathing..still going. You keep doing the same. Grief journey get’s lonely, but it’s better this way. That way, you can hear God loud and clear. Your confidence in you to fuel you to get going. You’ll get there…I was there last week..this week, I ain’t have that fuel… I crept back into the bed. LOL We all working. Love you.