Meaning, you do not go through the stages in “chronological order.” Denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance can and WILL whoop yo tail no matter how slow or quick you received the news. Crazy because this passed Saturday, August 30th was “National Grief Awareness Day.” I had a whole lil entry I was going to post. But this weekend was heavy for the simple fact our City was hit with a blow, losing a mother and her two sons in a bad car accident. They did not make it, only one survivor, an adolescent. And it’s sooooo messed up because, they were LOVED…and I just been sitting and thinking like… dang. So many people are going to go through these waves..some will navigate through it, but most will not.

But I sat in deep thought this weekend because…all I could think about was father’s grief in this. Not only did he lose his woman, but he lost two of babies man. Yes he has other kids, but…the loss will not go in vain, that I know. But no one talks about what grief is like for men. You get MY view from MY feelings on my blog, but with a man, it’s ten times hurtful because a lot of them feel like they cannot show what/how they are feeling. They can’t talk about it, they have to remain strong, keep going, you bitch if you cry about it AND keep bringing it up ….and it’s like no man… Your feelings/void is valid! I feel those same feels too.

Men tend to shy away from showing emotions when it comes to grief, but come out in other ways. My bf for example, after we lost our twins. He worked through the pain. And I HATED that because, I KNOW you need to release what you feeling..have questions.. question & curse God..but people process and move through things differently. You just have to love them through it with the Grace & Mercy that God gave you. But a lot of men are taught early, don’t feel those feelings…those feelings are wrong. But the ones telling them that were wrong. Those are everyday emotions man. All they know is when I do get that feeling, it’s wrong. And that’s how destruction and spiritual warfare happens. Because if theirs angels and other positive entities, you know there’s demons and negative entities waiting to grab hold of any soul it can take…young and old.

It’s hard to accept that pivotal change in your life is going to gaping hole for the rest of your time here. Nothing there..just resentment, hate & negativity ready to brew in its place. It’s easy to get stuck in your head and only hear what negative forces are trying to bestow onto you. But for me, with the help of therapy, getting closer to God & transmuting my pain into love… I don’t stay in the depression stage as much.
Although I am fighting depression, the self work, dedication & prayers is what’s filling that “hole” for me, so in turn, I am able to look and say ” I know you’re in shambles too.. but you don’t have to stay there..”

Because I know my boyfriend looks at me like “how does she do it…why is she not a crack head in the street?” LOL And by favor from God, he REFUSE to let me let myself down… God is forever holding me up, carrying me when I need him…walking beside, in front, behind… He is not letting me “let up” on ME. That’s how I’m getting through my journey. But this weekend… it had me think a little differently.

I get why people refuse to show vulnerability, because it makes them look weak. But actually, THAT is what fuels prayers and connects that “phone line” to Jesus. And when you tell him what you want, he says, “Okay, I need you to SHOW me you’re ready.. hold up your end and do the changes and I’ll do mine..” And guess what? When you continue to stay the same, you’re going to get the same result.. repeat the same lessons day in & day out.. But when you make that positive change in your mind & heart, you’ll be guided so easily.. it’s crazy… how I missed that all these years…

But I say all that to say, this weekend that tragic accident made everyone hit at least one stage in the grief process.. whether it was just reading the article, seeing the accident, knowing the family… It’s gonna be a tough time for everyone and I am so sorry they had to go that way. And to the child that survived has a LOOONG road ahead of them, but if…IF, and I pray she/she will be… but if she stay rooted to God and her system keeps them uplifted, making sure their mentally okay…they will have a beautiful testimony on how they made it through.

So many people would have wonderful testimonies if they didn’t allow grief to consume them 😦 . Your testimony is what kind of lead you to your life purpose. Here I am .. still don’t know what that is yet…but at 4:44 a.m. here I am pouring my heart out while the house sleeps. Telling you…YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH. I look at things like.. ” what is the meaning of this??… What am I missing here?”…and the problem is revealed.
People are either blessings or lessons in life…either way, you gone learn SOMETHING out of it you never did before..
For me, our girls was self love..neither one of us knew what that TRULY was.. till God snatched them..because WE were putting each other and ourselves above God. Pouring from empty cups, needing to unlearn to re-learn… shambles…just shambles LOL!!! God woke us up by putting us in that drastic situation. And as fucked up as it is for life to give lessons that way….that also shows what kind of character you building for yourself as well. Then you reflect “dang…is my character walking with God? or pulling me from him?” Then it’s unravel, redo, relearn, reteach.. but constantly..It’s quite annoying really.

Everyone think I be joking when they ask me what have I been doing to loose weight and I say “being depressed and learning how shitty of a person I was and continue to becoming, so God peeling me, Mashing me and making me new” LMFAO because that is the TRUTH!!! Because not only is grief solely regarding of someone no longer breathing…but there’s: 1) Death to the old you. 2) Death to your old life. 3) Death to your old friends/family (and I mean those you have to leave behind because they do not align with the new you..refuse to elevate in all ways round..just BYE! LOL). You feel BAD. LMAO it don’t get no worse than getting hit with a double timeline of grief. EGO DEATH. It get’s real in the field.

But I say all that say, everyone is really going through their own journey of grief, sub-consciously or consciously. And this weekend showed that, because every conversation turned to “daaaaaamn man, that accident was fucked up!” EVERYONE felt that pain; shock..which catapult you into the other stages if other events occur for you. But everyone felt it. Meaning it’s an emotion everyone is beautifully equipped with, because what I have come to find, we are to transmute that feeling into positivity. Not ignore it, drink/smoke/fuck it away..you are to get up off yo big back and do something. Pray, go out into the community/church: TO HELP, donate, organize, teach (THE CORRECT THINGS) give love (NOT THE SEXUAL WAY LOL)..but push each other to get the word of God..in return fills you with all your missing..in return find the God in you..making you GOD-LIKE (because we are made in is image..we are God..but not in the pride way).. all meaning, you learn who are are.

Well, that’s at least how I have to view it to get me through. I pray you are getting through it too.

“Psalms 116”