Hey yawl! It’s meee, Jessicaaaaaaa 🤣!!! I’ve been…. existing lol. HBU?
lately I’ve been dealing with ALL of the stages of grief. I’ve just been like damn man. HOWWWW LOOOOOOOOOONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE ?!?!!?!? LOL This bough…but like I said in my last post “MASH ME LORD!!!!” 🤣. Still losing weight, still in grief & guilt. It’s been beyond my twins now. It’s been me breaking down ever aspect of my life. LITERALLY breaking my life apart. It’s been “TERRBLE.”

But with standing in my storms I’ve been catapulted back into the stage of acceptance. I now see that everything and I mean EVERYTHING has been a blessing & lesson. Lessons in love, lessons in my character, lessons with God…and I’m just…enlightened now lol. I understand where the emotions swirl from within. Sometimes I can feel the emotion & not be in the emotion..if that that makes sense. But just analyzing where I didn’t see the lesson… where I did, how I went to the next level in what that was and how when I didn’t see the lesson, it through me right back in that loop.
And I was just like BRUHHH… but to ask for wisdom you have to ask for the capacity to keep it. So I been working, reading, listening studying. After being in the book of Matthews, I fasted (the goal was 12 hrs) but I did 20.
It’s so crazy how, I’ll catch myself not eating for days…but soon as I say Imma fast for clarity from God, I WAS HUNGRY THAN A MUG!!! Tempted left and right, until I couldn’t be discipline no more LMAOOOOOOO. But during my fast time, I asked the God for peace and of course in the Bible it tells us to serve others in the mean time. Aaaaaand I always wanted to be apart of giving back to the homeless. But I’ve alway been scared. Why? I really couldn’t pin point it for a long time. But it was because…I would be seen. Just like those out there yearning to be seen. Seen as human beings by others who walk passed them daily. Hoping to be seen by God at one of these gatherings. Seen by someone I know, wondering “wtf she doing out there?! I didn’t even know she cared.” Would the homeless people be looking at me like “She think she all that just because she ain’t standing on this side of the table browsing” or “Look at her, out here and don’t even want to be..” Just wild thoughts you know.

Then I thought, just as my mom always taught me to think… “What if they’re thinking about the same thoughts as you?”
You know how much guts it take to show up to a place needing the help instead of doing the helping? Shouldn’t no person have to beg for basic essentials to get by. Yet, here we all do it, no matter if we’re working or homeless. That trajectory of thinking make me shift my fear of being seen doing something I really wanted to do. So, I went to my church website and signed up for “Bread of Life” community group. They’re just a cool group of Jesus believers who go out in the community every third Saturday of the month to pass out living essentials for the homeless. Men & women clothes, shoes, belts, toiletries, bedding. Some things still had tags on them! So we met up at the church and the organizer pulled up with a trailer with her husband and we loaded up and car pooled out. My stomach was in knots! I’m in the back trying not to have panic attack, just thinking wild shit. Like “damn…I’m the only black person in the group…what if they judging me?” But if they were followers of God, they wouldn’t be judging, right? They would be happy that I’m coming along…which they were, right? So why was I tripping? It was the unknown…that “what if” kept messing with me LOL. But for the most part I was able to calm my thoughts and not fall victim to my thoughts as always.
And I was tripped out that one of my members had a black name. Like, a really black name LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

It was nice. I was soooo nervous yawl. But we gave away a lot of stuff. They had like, a church session going on next to us in the same lot. And if the people wanted prayer…say a testimony…they could walk right up. Then after we set up our area, they could just walk up and go down the line to choose what they wanted. “Take whatever you need.” You could tell, some embarrassed some not.. some kinda new to it and some regulars, I’ve come to learn. Then I felt just like Jesus lol, eating with my “brethren” LOL. We had hot dogs/saugsage, chili (either on your hot dog or in a bowl.) I got mine in a bowl because I don’t even like chili LMAO. I just didn’t want to be rude and turn down the food that that blessed upon them like I was too good. And I was kinda starving, all I had eaten was a piece of bacon & half piece of toast I grabbed from my parents house before I left lol. Oh, I also got so chips and a water as well.

And I just stood there; basking it it all in. Like dang…this could be me…or you at any moment. And this was nice that even though we each are going through our own journey of grief, still decided to show up for others, to give them hope. It was beautiful. I met so many beautiful faces out there today. A lot of them were funny has heck!
And here I am, were scared of them and that was the most peace I’ve felt in long time. I guess that’s what God has been trying to reveal to me. During my stages of grief, I’ve been searching for peace and that was one of the avenues.

And the day wouldn’t be crazy if I didn’t have a hiccup LMAO. So as we’re dismantling this lady comes over but she looked shaken up. She comes to me and ask me about the session going on…but I really didn’t hear what she said because I kind of wasn’t paying attention. All I said was, with a smile “you know, I really don’t know…todays is my first day here.” Then she storms off and everyone was looking like whaaaat? Another woman walked up and told us that she heard they were doing walk up prayers and the woman had never had no one pray over her. So sad. But after we told her to just walk on over, I thought…dang, I do need to listen more. Because had I heard what she originally asked, she wouldn’t have stormed off, she would’ve made a bee line to the service being held. I was like dang…I really need to start listening.

It also made me think: We all were out there in search of God. Some know him and some yearning. But we were there loving together. It was beautiful. And that thought made me realize. My journey isn’t just about death…It’s about transformation as well. I’m in the middle of grieving the old me. Serving the community requires discipline, action and selfnessness and I’ve been praying to do away with pride & ego. So here I am..starting to do what what God asked me to do, with no questions asked. Blahhhh 🤣. Who am I now?! 🤣 Now I need to find balance in it all, so I don’t self sabotage with what I am learning. What a wild and crazy ride I’m on.

So you’re not alone when it comes to fear of the unknown, fear of acting off an idea, fear of being truly seen. It’s scary, but with God’s love that he spills into us, we began to see that…I was being scared for no reason. Them negative spirits will play on your mind something dangerous, just to keep you from following and doing the right thing in life=God’s word. So don’t let them! C

“They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts” 
~Acts 2:42- 46