Hey yawl! As always…it’s been a minute LOL..My bad about that. Life just be…life’n 🤣. This was actually supposed to be a video…but I’ve been sick as a dog for weeks..just about feeling better..but this little wheeze come back every now and again. I swear I recorded some videos (that I’m SO glad I didn’t post LOL) not only did it sound like the Brainy from ‘Hey Arnold’ was right next to be at times lol…but I was allowing hurt to still flow through my words…and after reflecting after each video (25+ long videos at that, I’m so mad LOL). I was like, naww, that had NOTHING to do with the purpose of my blog, I just needed to talk it out. LOL Thank God I didn’t post them LOL!! But I will do a video next. I promise lol.

But this has been a reeeeeeally trying time..year…SEASON. And that’s for everybody, not just me! One of the things I was urged to do at this time is to be quiet. If you know me, seems impossible right? LMAO…but there’s a lot of things I’ve noticed I would’ve shared just from the shear transparency my character holds. Everything I “feel” like I already know, things I’ve learned along the way… I like to share. Because I’ve always looked at it as “I figured it out, and I feel like it’ll benefit you.” Not being egotistical in no way (so I always thought). And definitely not bringing it from a place of thinking I’m better than you “because I found God” either. But from I thought was being helpful LOL. And that my friends, is what threw me back in the guilt gear of the Stages of Grief bus…because I began to feel guilty thinking back on aaaaaaaaall the times I KNEW I was in “trust me bro” energy and didn’t have a damn thing to show LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I was not living what I spewed out. I could tell you in a second what you I thought, what you SHOULD be doing and what’ll happen if you don’t. Like I was the chosen one, keeper of all knowledge ABOUT WHATEVER..I ain’t know shit LOL. I made it sound good didn’t I? Sold that shit to you so good had you second guessing yourself at times huh when you spoke to me? I was no damn different than a Matilda daddy selling you a lemon on the first day of tax season LMAO. What I believed was for the “greater good” was only for MY good. No one else’s, because I felt in control of the narrative. That’s one important thing God needed me to check. AND IT’S SOOOOOOO HARD LOL!!!! Not even going to lie. So I feel God said “well..since you don’t know what to say and when to say it, “JUST BE QUIET.”

I’m bout to flip you to the other side of my mind on this LOL. Perfect example of how I circled around this realization is that, I INSTANTLY get defensive and a sense of entitlement when being told that right…And I traced it all the way back to childhood lol (Yes… I’m truly doing the work). But when I think like that, the emotions are coming from ego. So I sat and thought…I thought I surrendered that when I got baptized -_-
LMAO. SURPRIIIIISE!…the work don’t stop when you are striving to better yourself LOL!! Whether you believe in God or not, self work still has to be done. Or else you stay in the same cycle! You do not advance to the next level of life, you do not collect $200, you do not pass go. You may have maneuvered your way to get countless blessings… because the Lord does want that for us. Many occasions we get blessings back to back and what seems like we didn’t do a thing at all. Truth is, we know we didn’t LOL. But God kept telling us, “if you come to me, you can have this in many!” ..and we still choose to go the route we want for the outcome we thought would be best.
Truth be told, when you don’t do the work, when you don’t receive the lesson…when you don’t catch on to “WHAT is it that this keep happening to me?” on things you think you’ve done away with, and here it comes later down your timeline…No… you won’t get what you asked for at that time, because you aren’t ready to house the amount that comes with it (at that moment). But, when your heart not in alignment with Gods (or your heart isn’t LIGHT AS A FEATHER…pure..holds no evil, hate, malice, clear, positive…for the “non-believers” LOL). Because everyone can fight over whose religion is A1… but people missing the MESSAGES/LESSONS from them all and that’s to live life with your heart being just what I described a couple sentences back. Just be filled with love, truth & happiness in this human experience..and people are just not that LOL.

But yea, I’m like dang, why I’m feeling like “dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow!?” And I’ve flipped the switch a little…when I feel myself about to jump down the endless loop of anxiety, I’ll google, whatever an ailment I’m having, but the “spiritual” aspect of the connection. THEN I’ll google that with the connection to the Bible and end up jotting down mad notes & scriptures. One day I came across Proverbs 26. In short, it warns you against foolish, laziness & destruction of behavior because only a FOOL repeat mistakes.
And instantly I thought of 5 people 🤣😭. But none of the 5 people was me SMH.
Then I kept reading on and Proverbs 26:25 warned about the 7 abominations that fill people hearts:
1) Haughty eyes: proud & arrogant look.
2) A lying tongue: manipulatively or subtly not telling the truth and condemned from the destructive power it holds.
3) A heart that devises wicked plans: Premeditated and calculated motives to cause harm (& manifests into lying & committing evil)
4) Feet that run fast to evil: Lack of self control & READY to run to wrong doing
5) A false witness who utters lies: Deliberately lying on someone, gossiping, creating mistrust and causing doubt and confusion.
6) One who spreads strife: Being the sower (starter) of lies & issues.
7) Hands that shed innocent blood: Murder of the innocent.

And I sat and thought AWWWWWWWW, I do all these LMAO. I thought I only had to worry about the 10 Commandments & Fruits of the Spirits…BUT these are Key to being a good person as well. And I was like dang…I haven’t been good LOL!!! NO one has..that’s the beauty of Jesus dying for our sins. Because whether we realize we do them or not…we always have room to grow to be better. And when I dove deeper, murder doesn’t just mean killing someone. When Jesus gave his Sermon on the Mount, he expressed having intense anger & hate in your heart is just as same the physical act of murder.

And I sat for two weeks like damn a Fool LOL!!!!!!!! Cuz I’ll hold a grudge til the end of time LOL… “God Forgives, I Don’t” waaaaas my motto! I loved when Rick Ross came out with that! But, here I am again, mourning the old me…mourning all the ways I let anger & hate sit in my heart on things…HOW LONG I let it sit in there. That’s what was getting to me. It’s like scrooge being shown his life LOL. Because every time I lead from that that space (I thought was positive, but negativity was there all a long) I’m like dang, I foiled the plan yet again & presented with the same mistakes. It’s messed up when you truly sit and think about it. lol

Then I was like, THIS THE DEVIL! LOL!! I’VE CHANGED! You can’t count how my heart was then to now! But when you ain’t learned the lesson…You do. And I did, “confess the sins & repentance.” Because all you can do is see the error and change the way, can’t undo what/how things were done, because the outcome has already happened. It’s like playing with past present & future. We can’t do nothing but manipulate time…and even when we do that…It ain’t God’s time! Now we looking dumb cuz we done manipulated til you can’t no more, and still ain’t get the outcome you was FEELING for. I was like dang God… you messed me up with this one LOL!!

Forgiveness really is key LOL. And it truly isn’t for the other person, it’s for yourself lol. I know that now. “Love” is really the main ingredient to change a heart. And you always, ALWAYS have to start off forgiving yourself before anyone else. You don’t know how deep things ran until you stand back and see the chaos you created off one offense, one bad emotion. Love and forgiveness defeats hate and anger. Some offenses are greater than others to forgive and that’s okay, most are just. But not enough to keep you in despair man.

So in the current “future” I’m working my way back to stay to acceptance with a lot of things. October was Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month, mental illness awareness month, World Mental Health Day was Oct. 10th…just a couple that resonated with me. But finding the meaning in the midst of suffering is whack. I wish we could do with out that LOL!!!!!! Gotta learn some how right? LOL. So I’ve been quiet, listening, learning…observing. Seeing things from all views to put myself in check on things. One day I feel like I can concur anything and most days I’m crying 5 hours into my shift at work for 40 minutes lol, it’s insane. So I say all that to say, changing your heart is possible, you just gotta do the work to change it. You just can’t manifest or pray for change and just wait on the outcome, you gotta do the change to be it and live it. So let start there..being the change you needed.

“Above All, Love each other deeply, because Love covers over a multitude of sins.”
– 1 Peter 4:8