If you don’t know that reference, type in “in the beninging” in TikTok to see the video of that Pastor trying to say “In the Beginning” during scripture LMAO…Aside from my dark sense of humor (which, if you already don’t know…YOU ABOUT TO FIND OUT!) LMFAO…

My grief journey started January 17th, 2024…after I went into premature labor at 19wks 4days. I gave birth to two beautiful stillborn baby girls, Latrese and Lavon Smith. My boyfriend named them after our middle names…but ironically their names fit them perfect because Baby A- Latrese, looked exactly like me and Baby B-Lavon looked exactly like her dad. Our world literally went from sugar to shit in the matter of 2minutes. The week before I had them, I was scheduled for my anatomy scan on a Wed..My boyfriend was mad he were having another girl.. not one but TWO!! But I was just happy to have been in that position after being told I couldn’t get pregnant due to having PCOS. After the scan, the nurse checked my cervix & seen it was “immeasurable” so they wheeled me off to OB-triage..

I was panicking, the nurses in my face asking me was having contractions, I’m looking at My bf (the nurses pulling him to the side), I’m crying and I just screamed “I HAVE TO CALL MY MOM!!” and the nurse said with the most calmest tone “Yes, you can call your mom sweetie, have a seat.” I called my mom crying, she’s trying to figure out what’s going on. All what was told to me was “they couldn’t measure my cervix and Ima go into labor soon.” They monitored me over night and sent me home the next day. I was switching OB services & hospitals already because although I loved my OB I didn’t like the Maternal Fetal Doctor at their practicing hospital. I felt like he would’ve caught this earlier if he wasn’t so set on trying to push me to that genetic testing done and when I told him I wouldn’t cuz it wasn’t covered by BCBS he said and I quote “well it makes no sense to keep seeing me if I don’t know what I’m working with.” (WHO ELSE GONA ADVOCATE FOR BLACK WOMEN IF YOU DONT START WITH YOURSELF?!) So my OB called one of her buddies to take me as a favor and I was to go see her that Monday.

WELL, that Monday came..I woke up, emotional as usual lmao and I was getting on my boyfriend nerves..but that was the first day I felt them move, like fr, no flutter…I turned over and asked him did he want to feel. (long story short we was low-key beefing because at the old hospital they wanted to take the twins that day..I said no, give them a chance. I was hopeful everything would be okay. My boyfriend expressed multiple times he didn’t want me to go through that and I wouldn’t listen. My mom instincts had already kicked in and I was trying to save them and hold them in as long as I could, no matter what it took!) So… back to us in the bed..he got out, went down stairs and turned on the game to escape. I cried, got up, took a shower to cool off. I got out the shower, wrapped my towel around me…reached for my toothbrush and like a fire hydrant on full blast, my water broke in the bathroom. All I could do was scream my boyfriend name and he levitated up them steps boyyyyy. I texted my old OB (because I was supposed to see the new one that day). We get to the hospital and luckily the NEW OB was on call for the day, so she already was hip to my situation.

Baby A passed throughout the night. Baby B was still twirling doing her thing. The plan was to get Baby B to 24 weeks so her lungs could be somewhat developed to have a fighting chance. And that just put more turmoil between my boyfriend because once again, he didn’t want me to go through exactly what I went through…Damn I should’ve listened instead of being a Leo.

They released me from the hospital at 10a on 1/17/24, with the hopes of Baby B continue to grow and push Baby A to the side and get absorbed, like (vanishing twin) type shit. My boyfriend was like “are you sure you want me to go to work?” I’m like yea go head, I’m fine, I’m just hungry but ima take a nap first.” He left around 1p..I got up and put me a chicken pot pie in the oven (that’s apt all I could eat, they didn’t like shit LOL). But as I’m laying acoss the bed I don’t quite feel right..It feel like I’m getting a fever so I check.. 102.. I’m like wtf? But now this internal drum keep beating from the inside..but it’s getting harder and louder..Like the drums on Jumunji. Then the pains came and I’m like WTF was that about? NEVER DID IT CROSS MY MIND, THESE ARE CONTRACTIONS & I’M GOING INTO LABOR!!!

I call my Dad, he’s at my Gramas, so I called my mom (She was still working) and she sent my brother for me. This is in January btw, so he’s flying through these snow banks to get me to the hospital. I’m yelling at him like “SLOW THIS MUTHAFUCKA DOWN!” cuz I really mad I was trying to eat my chicken Pot pie LMFAO but it was still too hot. He get me to hospital, THIS NIGGA GET ME A WHEELCHAIR WITH NO LEG REST ON IT, now we zooming through the lobby, the wheels bout to fly off, the chair bouncing up and down hard….that’s how bad the chair was the wheels was wobbling. I’m having a contraction, trying to hold my feet up and he abruptly stopped, looked down and yelled “DO YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU UP THERE FAST OR NOT?!?!?” I was just like damn, Okay LMFAO. As I’m checking in my dad come zooming through the door and that was my support at that time. I honestly felt like a kid again with my dad being there..but he just looked defeated cuz he knew it was nothing he could do to help. He just held me and stayed..and honestly…that’s what I needed at the moment…Not my boyfriend, not my mom…my Dad. He was tore tf UP but had to be strong for his baby Girl. He held my hand as I got my epidural..ass out, boobs hanging, I did not care LMAOOOO

We then found out, I was 2cm dilated and Baby A foot was sticking out my cervix. I called my boyfriend and let him know I indeed was going to have them by the night. 😦
Them contracts ain’t no hoe neither!!! OMG !! I labored for 11 hrs..hot cold, uncomfortable, upset, LIVID…
He made it from work a little before 11p. My mom was there & my brother GF at the time was in the delivery room with me. Latrese came at 11:22p & Lavon came 11:36p. I watched as the doctor held her and watched her chest go up and down rapidly until it stopped. It was a horrible stench of “infection” in the air…because I was going septic. 😦 I was pumped with IV antibiotics continuously for 3 days from developing an intrauterine infection.. but all my tests came back negative for ANYTHING weeks before..crazy.

I made everyone take a picture with them. I had to, you go to too. (Later I’ll touch on that being the wrong thing to do) but that’s what I felt in that moment anyway. The nurse cleaned them up best she could and placed them on my chest. My brother GF at the time understood the assignment, cuz my sis hit us with them angles. Thank you for that! I also want to double back a bit in this sad story to APOLOGIZE TO ALL PARTIES INVOLVED. MY BOYFRIEND, MY DAD, MY MOM, MY BROTHER AND HIS EX GF… I think back how I was talking to yawl and that don’t make no sense LMFAOOOOOOOOO…from me telling dad “QUIT RUBBING MY FUCKING BACK, THE SHIT AINT HELPING!” to me telling my brother “IS YOU DUMB?! CATCH THE DOG AND PUT HIM IN THE CAGE SO WE CAN GO!” ..aye, that nigga understood the assignment too when it came to getting me to the hospital. LMFAO I swear we hit a 360 and his face stayed straight the whole time LMFAO … to my mom .. my poor mom LMFAO… She kept layering my blankets wrong LMFAO …I let her ass have it….she said “I’m through” LMFAO but she indeed wasn’t through….and OOOOOO, MYYYY SHAYYYLAAA.. I made my brother Ex GF stand up and sit down so much I know she gained 12inches in her thighs LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. “give me the ice, I don’t want this damn ice! I’m hot…im cold…TAKE THIS PHONE! DONT U ANSWER IT IF HE CALL NEITHER….I know its my BF, hand me that phone”. And my poor boyfriend..we finally was doing something right…and I didn’t take his feelings into consideration AT ALL. I feel like total shit reflecting back now.. but it’s what got me to where I am at today with self love & elevating..I had to change..

But yea…I got to keep the girls 3 days. They have this “cooling” bassinet that’s purple that keep the babies cool until Mom is ready to let them go.. So when I got tired of holding them, I’d put them down a bit. But I loved holding them. People kept coming in the room irritating me, because “GOT DAMNIT, just give me a minute”…the only thing I regret was not getting them baptized.. The Chaplain came after my bf and I had just got into it & I kicked him out the room….I told her naw and get out. She understood..she left me some things anyway and put two little wheat things on my door. I guess It’s like symbolization there’s a loss…and I had two. But she prayed over us anyway..I told her no, but she knew my soul was tormented and had words anyway. I love her for that.

I sat and I cried whole time. I didn’t want to let them go. And as crazy as this bout to sound….I LOVED the way they smelled. They didn’t smell like baby…but they didn’t smell like death & rot neither…they smelled sweet almost…like on the brink of almond oil smell. .money drawing oil smell. I would sniff and talk to them. sniff, talk and reflect. How the FUCK did I end up here? I did everything right…I quite smoking, I cut down my hrs…watched what I ate .. when I COULD eat..went to ever appointment..drank my teas, took my prenatals…filled them with love..I couldn’t understand it. And the mountain between my boyfriend and I PSHHH. My world in shambles .. legit shambles.. and idk if it’ll EVER BE PUT BACK TOGETHER..my parents came after work…my cousin came on her lunch break and sat and held them and talked to me and them. THANK YOU FOR THAT! that’s why you’re my fav big cousin. LOL. I wasn’t answering nobody texts, calls..posts..nothing. I went invisible after I posted them. Crazy what snapped me out of my reality that “it’s time to deal with this” …. I looked down at them and they had started to turn dark. I was like damn. So the nurse gave me a list of funeral homes that does cremations. Luckily it was fate because the funeral home I chose cremated the girls for free. The man came the next day…and maaaan…I felt like we felt as a kid watching Bone Thugs & Harmony “crossroads” video when the Death angel was walking to get the souls….that’s how I felt when the funeral home man came and got them. LOL no lie. I was gone. He came, wrapped them in Thick fleece blankets, one pink, one purple. Said a good long prayer with me and the girls and carried them out in his arms with pride. And just like in the Bone Thug’s video when the angel reached the top and was gone.. So was the funeral home man down the hall. And my life went dark.

I called my daddy to pick me up. My parents was upset I wouldn’t come home with them. But I have my house..my own family now..at least, we finally was creating one..and I really missed my dog. He was my emotional support for REAL. He knew when something was wrong, HE KNEW…the morning my water broke he kept coming in the room looking sad and just keep “booping” and pawing my belly…crazy I didn’t even think of the worst when he was doing it…I thought he was just feeling my emotions.
So I showered, dressed and got my stillborn box the hospital gave with tones of info & trinkets and things. I asked the nurse to go the back way, because I work at the hospital and didn’t want to run into my coworkers. I just wanted to get out so I could breathe…and smoke a cigarette again. Right as I’m approaching the front door a girl I went to school with, who’s one of my Facebook friends, so I know she seen my post, turns around. And with sad eyes she asked “can I hug you?” and as bad as I wanted that hug, needed that hug, my eyes swelled up and I shook my head no as she was leaning in and her being startled jumped back like okay, I get it okay…But I indeed needed that hug and beckoned her to do so. THANK YOU FOR THAT AS WELL! (and in that exact moment my good friend was up at my room and the nurses up there had told her I had just got wheeled down LMAO I would’ve been mad if I was her like DAMN! lmfao…BUT thank you for coming to see abt me.)

My dad dropped me off at my house, walked me all the way to my bed. When he left my eye sight zoomed to the four walls…and that’s where I confined myself..not talking to no one..not even my boyfriend. My parents checked on my daily, that was a given…but I didn’t even talk to my grandmothers. I let them go to VM..only person I talked to was God…and my Dog. LMFAO . seriously…dogs don’t talk, but they tell you a lot.
But how was I gonna get myself out a this shit? How was I gonna even repair the relationship with my BF? Did I even want to? Did he want to? Was he even as sad as I was. I was in despair..destruction..death….

I just sat cried and smoked. Noticed I wasn’t eating So I read about the 3 day Esther fast..Did that, read the Bible and other spiritual shit to get me uplifted during my duration of my maternity leave. March I was back to work…Thinking I was ready for the world. I got this! Got my ass out and I indeed did not have it..and was not ready. I tried so hard to get through each day w/o crying and getting down. turning down seeking therapy..cuz I know I’m strong enough mentally to get through this…I ALWAYS get myself outta situations and funks. I don’t need to slow down, I just need to keep going. Go to work, be mad all day and come home and be mad. That was me for months…I know everyone see the change. I’m back active on social media.. but I still don’t go no where. My visit to my parents get shorter..conversations get shorter..holidays come …what fucking holiday? I don’t care about none of that shit this year. I made my family some vanilla abstract..but that’s all I can muster.

Then a whole year has passed. And like a flick of a light switched I’m back drowning in deep depression & anxiety. My boyfriend & I are on two different planets at this point. I’m ready to give up on everyone & everything..not dying wise…but running away..legit was about to book a one way. I started maladaptive daydreaming real heavy off this audiobook series that found me called “Ethic” by Ashley Antoinette..GREAT SERIES… 5 STAR RATING FROM ME!! But it’s here where I realized I’ve spiraled TOO DEEP and was just in a sea of nothingness..I started leaving work..calling off. Just so I could escape..and when I started comparing my bf to the qualities this character had in the book…That’s what made me realize….I have all this..he give me his all day in and day out. He’s been there and loved me at my worst…never once said “I’m leaving”… I ignored his complete being and was being what he told me the night the kicked him out.
I was being selfish. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MYYYYY SHAYYYYLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…It’s now I’ve realized I’ve taken him for granted. It was me not listening to him. Now I just bang “Earthquake” by Tyler, The Creator into oblivion. Cuz …I’m sorry boo…Now I’m spiraling into a deeper depression because all this time I’ve blamed him (not shying away from the fact, some things are indeed on him) but after a deep reflection moment after Therapy I thought..I was the problem in the relationship.

There’s no way we could’ve brung two beautiful innocent souls in the anguish we was swirling in, trying to get by. We needed to do deep self work, and pushing that aside while trying to survive a relationship, is bound for disaster. Neither of us wanted to break up, but there was some deep heavy shit that needed to be settled on both sides so we can be better TOGETHER.

Now that I have lost 30lbs (depressing don’t play) and Refusing medication because, I CAN GET THROUGH THIS!! Something sparked when my Therapist said “Remember what I told you…There’s no order in which the stages come in..You can skip 1, go straight to 3-5..thinking you’ve healed and shoot back to stage 4 then 2..You can be in two stages at one time…it’s up to you to acknowledge the step you’re in and make the conscious effort to change to get through it..what step do you feel you are in now?..”

Now I hear, telling yawl, don’t be scared of the stages to come. Currently working through it I can honestly tell you..I was not as perfect as I thought I was. This experience have left me so raw & vulnerable..the very thing I shielded myself from..What I was running from…Fear.. But releasing what’s been stored in my root & sacral Chakras for 30+ years…I can finally feel myself aligning and feeling lighter these days.
With that being said, my first Stage of grief I will be talking on my next post is the first Stage I realized I was in when Thanksgiving 2024 approached…Anger & grief..Stay tuned.