1/17/24… The day that broke me but blessed me. I’ve been anticipating on how I was going to feel today… honestly, I can thank God I am not in despair this time around. Because grief can swallow your whole face, sliding down your body and you’ll feel like there’s nothing you can do, but just accept the fate. In a way, I feel, grief IS the thing that tells you “that’s the end, now move…” but we trauma freeze and stay in that loop where comfort at. We constantly go over things, creating different endings, conversations, all preventatives…But we couldn’t prevent the very thing that keeps us stuck.

And honestly, this week has been hell for me mentally. I’ve been all 7 stages of grief IN ONE DAY!!!..all while trying to stay in the present…not sulk in the past…not angst upon the future…but re-wire my brain to respond to things in a more positive (God heart) way. AAAAAAND CUT!!!!!
Cuz it some bullshit LMAOOOOOOO…and I mean that in the sense of, it’s very hard to break old habits, things you’ve grew accustomed to.
But…I’m tired of being THAT way..And like they say, when you are tired of YOUR own bullshit..that’s when your life change for the better.

So here I am two years later, 2 therapy sessions out the month, hermit mode. I interact on social media of course, CONFUSE THE ENEMY LMMMMFAOOOOO… but I’ve been reeeeeeeal low. And I recognize that, and “I went to the lady & got help” LMFAO. But in that, I say, Lavon and Latrese sparked a light in me I neeeever knew was so powerful. From the moment I found out about them, I said to my self “I need to change for the better” and they holding me to it.

I do miss them. I think all the time, how life would be if they were here. Would I had them intertwined in chaos & confusion or would I have created peace for them? Would I have been strong enough to endure TWO babies right now? “I guess we’ll never know” *Kanye Voice* LMAOOOO (dark humor).

But nobody but God got me through those troubling waters. I other day I thought, I’ve been so mad at my boyfriend all this time because I had to keep calling him away from work…(I made him go to work, got mad cuz he was at work lol, crazy)….but he wouldn’t have been able to do nothing no way. And I didn’t want that look of despair on him like I through on my parents & my brother & his gf at the time. It was nooooothing they could’ve done to help me through.. AND THEY DID EVERYTHING…and when my boyfriend did arrive, it was time to push. NOBODY had to do it but me. Nobody felt it BUT ME…Finally my peace was there (bf), but I STILL HAD NO PEACE, just pain. 9 agonizing hours of pain and 20 mins of MORE agony to push them out. Just to watch their chest rise and fall and eventually to nothing. I felt like a complete failure, another thing I didn’t do right in my life…and I had to sit with that. So ghetto and embarrassing, FOR THE REST OF MY LIIIIIIFEUUUUUH lol.
I held them for three days before I let them go. I laughed, I cried, I prayed, I slept, I hummed, a kissed, I Hugged, I sung, I wept, I apologized. I cursed God, I repented, I sat silent…All while fighting being septic. I was on so many antibiotics I peed what smells like amoxicillin for like a month lol…. They didn’t smell like death, they smelled sweet. Lavon looked like him and Latrese looked like me.. Lavon was gone be dark skinned and Latrese was brown like me (you could tell by their ears) But when I looked down they were turning dark and I thought “dang….I’m being crazy here…Lord, it’s time…please carry me cuz I can’t do this.” and he did…and I did indeed do the hard things, through Christ who strengthens me.

So for their 2nd Heavenly Birthday, I want to thank Lavon & Latrese, for waking the woman in me. Leading me down the right path, drawing near to God and knowing what Love is. They made me discover who I am becoming. I’ve lived from relationship identity, spiritual awakening identity, responsibility, loyalty, endurance…becoming MORE than what I was taught to be. And we protect what we are…I am a woman devoted in truth, growth, sincerity with spiritual integrity, even when it costs me comfort. I am rooted in love, but I move when the Spirit moves-not when fear tells me to wait. 
Grief taught me how to endure, how to keep loving even when unseen, how to sit with unanswered prayers.
Love taught me devotion, imagination, hope, vision…
And faith has taught me patience, surrender, obedience…but not to self-erasure. Waiting doesn’t mean stillness forever. Just like I heard the voice say “MOVE” and I called my brother to take me to the hospital when it was like 7 inches of snow lol…God is telling me to “MOVE” out the grief. And honestly I can say I tipped out the door a little bit. I’m not scared and devastated like last year and the year before. So today I celebrate them, not mourn them. They are too much of pivotal moment in my life not to. I put my life on the line to save them but really they led me to be saved. Ain’t that crazy! I love them forever and a day! 
-Love Mom on Earth.

“But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”
-2 Samuel 12:23