Hey yawl heyyyy… just call me Pillsbury Doughgirl, because I’ve been FLAKEYYYYYYY with my writing. My bad, My life was a real life Tubi Movie for a min lol.

But I have a little confession to make. My girls aren’t the only reason why I have been tip toeing through the Stages of Grief. Not only have I been mourning them….I’ve been mourning the life I thought I’d be living right now with the partner I chose. Now THAT’S tough. I SEEN IT, had it all in the palm of my hand. The guy, the fenced house, the Dog, good jobs, his children, OUR twins…Everything was good, til it wasn’t.
Crazy how life literally will slow you down for you to stay present in the moment to really scan what’s going on around you. And with that being said…. It’s a No for me dawg LMAO and it’s no love lost, because I carried so much devotion in my role…I love him so true, I had no choice but to 1…2….1, 2, 3 RELEASE EM! 🎈

That is the final act of Love right? That’s what they say anyway…Because self preservation & care is what is needed, FOR THE BOTH OF US! Because when you know what REAL LOVE is (ME, I AM love lol) then you know Love respects freedom more than it craves possession & attachment. And God has been telling me to GET TF OUT THE WAY STANLEYYY …and AS NORMAL, there I was each time, getting in the Lords way of doing HIS work, when that ain’t EVEN MY DAMN JOOOOBUHHHHHH. HOW FOOLISH OF ME LOL. You live and learn okay lol. 🫶🏾
And of course it gets deeper…attachment styles, upbringing, core values, character, relationship crap (a lot of good, don’t get me wrong). But I’m going to spare yawl with that, because as BAD as yawl thought yawl bout to get some Tea… “SYKE YO MIND, MAKE YO BOOTY SHINE!” LMFAOOOOOOOOOO cuz you don’t do that to the people you love. I will not be “Telling my Story” in a multi part series (those who was there 😮‍💨 sorry LMFAO), going Live on Facebook to humiliate not only him but myself CUZ I DON’T OWE NOBODY NO EXPLANATION!!! But just know, this Chess not checkers because emotionally…this is the most disciplined thing a person can do. That’s not being passive, weak, stupid, slow…that’s being emotionally disciplined. Cuz I got a lot to lose, myself being first. No way Josè. The signs that was getting plain as day, I hear you Lord! 🏃🏾‍♀️ 💨 {Me Fleeing 🤣}

I was like Sonic, running a muck through the 5 stages of grief. AND THIS WHY I STARTED DROPPING THE WEIGHT LOL!!!
Because I’m like daaaaaaamn baby, you doing me like THIS?! It’s a sick feeling man and the more I thought about leaving, the more betrayal set in for me. All the years, time, care and money invested bout to be down the drizzzzain, gotta start all over 🤷🏾‍♀️….I was the type to hand write a 8 page paper and get to page six and ball it all up and start over cuz I ain’t like the way I wrote ONE word 🤣.

Then I started to shake my depression (Thanks to neuroscience and The Bible) I just started to realize: I deserve better, I’ve always been an alchemist, let me work for what I deserve..watch me work!…. whyyyyy am I doubting myself, SATAN GET BEHIND MEEE LOL! lol Jk.

But now that I’m wiser, I see it isn’t just about romance, it’s about transformation…And I’m literally transforming. It’s wild, it’s beautiful, courageous, and scary.
It literally felt like I was running top speed off a cliff and just jumped….Without a parachute, water.. but I know The Lord gone Carry me to where I need to be. & It only feels like the end because your Ego tell you “If I try harder, I can fix this” and “If I love you, I should be able to keep you”… but REAL LOVE contradicts everything your ego tells you. That’s why letting go feels violent & sacred BECAUSE AIN’T NO REFUND BITCH!!!! But I ain’t looking for one..

"Whatever Love we had..take it witchu...Now peep what I just said & see how long it takes to hit you..." - DMX

Letting go isn’t the absence of love, it’s the love that has outgrown its need to hold on. Looks like another love TKOOOOO🎶. But that’s life, you live and you learn, you grow and teach and you go out & show. I can give exact breakdowns on how I was in each stage… and if you KNOW ME, then you gone say “dang… that happened during this time..she was looking like this, that time..”
1. Denial- AW NAW…THIS….THIS CANT BE!
2. Anger- Displaced emotions being displayed every which way but right…(aka I’M WHAT YOU ON). which is never the answer btw 🤣 it just draaaaains you, like a sucked CapriSun lol.
3. Bargaining- Baby Baby Please! Mode … NEVAAAA AGAIN lol
4.) Depression- weight loss, hermit mode, yawl seen how been for 2 years LOL SAAAAD, but a win is a win 💃🏾
5. Acceptance- No longer being delusional and being in the present and saying “Lord, I’m leaving him at your feet, for HIS own good and I’m leaving for Mine..”

So I ask again, Where do I go from here??? Now, If I had not been diligently doing my self work leading up to this point, I would be lost in the sauce fr. All over the place, just blocking my blessings. But, yawl know I’m too good & for that. I’m always show better than I can tell. Watch me work, continue to look after Jesus’ heart and be blessed tenfold of what is promised to ME! THIS, is how you turn pain into power. But I love just as powerful.

So is letting go the final act of love?…Or is it the FIRST ACT of loving YOURSELF correctly???…