Hey yawl Heyyyy! I tried to do a “ONE TAKE NO MISTAKES” video…but I kept tearing up, and DON’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!! So yawl gotta get a written entry, even though a promised a video, I’m sorry LMFAO.

When it comes to the journey of grief, everyone automatically assumes grief=death. (death to the OLD me, yes) Ironically that’s what made me start my blog LOL, but sadness just doesn’t stem from that reality. It’s the emotion steam rolling behind it that needs to be addressed. And what do most people do? AVOID the emotions LOL!!
NOT NO MORE!!

Ima be vulnerable today…and let yawl in on something I’ve masked with jokes FOR YEARS. Because yes… there are plenty females (AND MALES) who feel the same as I did about this…we’ve conversed numerous times regarding it and yawl know I’m like Picasso when it comes to expressing my feelings lol!!!
BUT, I legit used to be sad in middle school/high school because No guy chose me for anything! Not a dance, a date, flowers, “hey, I bought u this pencil” “u wana go with me?” nadaaaa. Not even the boys “I liked” …they were too busy fantasizing & chasing the pretty girls, and the pretty girls had the boys. Meanwhile me and the other fatties sat on the sideline like dang & That’s so sad and toxic LMAOOOOOO, cuz I did used to be hating LMAOOOO. Cuz after I’ve decentered males, FUCK YAWL! & yawl loss !! Cuz I’m awesomesauce LOL

And a lot of girls, FAT GIRLS have no choice but to sit and get through that… yes it’s bough & it stings. YES…we’re in school, we shouldn’t even be focused on that shit…But…life LOL!! But that always bothered me…to the point where I kept my weight to “prove a point.” The point: I CAN PULL SOMEONE REGARDLESS…yeah! The wrong damn ones LMAOOOO…Cuz even though I had maaad friends, support, family…I longed for the cute “dreamshot” couple photos from the mall 🤣..the intentionality of it all.

And what that have to do with the stages of grief?? I’ll tell you:
First of all, YOU’RE ALWAYS IN DENIAL OF HOW FAT YOU ARE INITALLY LMAOOOOOO. AND I WANT TO SAY THIS STRAIGHT UP: Yes, we have to unlearn what we were taught and relearn how to love ourselves… with that said A LOT of things our parents did/said wasn’t right. And most of it they was just winging it like we are 🤷🏾‍♀️🤣. Like fr. I feel like my mother did a wonderful job on me being comfortable in my skin, being true to who I was, blah blah…HOWEVER, what someone said to me stuck for a long time… they said ” DON’T NO MAN WANT NO FAT ASS BITCH WITH A LOUD MOUTH & NASTY ASS ATTITUDE!”
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Now I’m bout to show u they do!! And ima stay fat while doing it! PLAYED MY OWN DAMN SELF LMFAOOOOOOOOOO. Cuz now I’m Angry…an angry fat black girl who turned into an Angry fat black adult…excuse me “PLUS SIZE” LMFAO 🙄.

Ahhhh, but boy do u live and learn! Cuz i didn’t want to be that way…I’m a sweetheart LMAO but now I got to show ya! And that I did, and aaaall the lessons that came with it 🤷🏾‍♀️.. But it gets to the point when u think “why am I even like this?” LMAO then u do the shadow work and heal. CUZ U GET TIRED OF THE SAME SHIT…clearly I’m the common denominator in the lessons I’m missing.

As I heel-toe through the stages and have shed a lot of weight in the process, it makes me look at things different. Like, when you not in your word, the messages fall on deaf ears LMAO …The advice that just wasn’t connecting all these years from my parent’s…older adults…people who were my age but wise…things that needed a new views…it all can be too overwhelming. And I see why people just straight up won’t change 🤷🏾‍♀️. Then shame start setting in. But shame the devil cuz you can’t shame me!

Clear as day I wasn’t loving myself…from my choices to my appearance. Yes, I love myself but self love isn’t just “what u do/spend to make u feel better” which was always taught to me LOL. Well, what I perceived LOL. It’s having compassion for yourself, discipline, effort to change for the better, the will power to keep on keeping on…bearing the fruits of the spirit..IN YOURSELF FIRST. I mean…I always had it… I was just too busy giving it to others, thinking it was gona be returned to me….when I should’ve been solely giving to myself in my “hidden phase” of life.
Damn…and no need to dwell on the past cuz you can’t get it back, just start today for a better tomorrow.

That’s what I was missing all this damn time til I had the girls. 🤷🏾‍♀️ I can admit that…can you??? See how ppl wear shame to protect themselves WHOLE TIME ITS HURTING THEM! let’s stop that. And let’s be so fr… “sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me” IS A DAMN LIE!!!! Words hold the most emotional weight FOR ME…right with the action of it to me. So many things have been said to me out of anger…and I give the same sentiments back. I know it’s not right…It just feels good in the moment…until it don’t lol. Literally have to stop wearing other ppl projections/perception of u when it ain’t even your color!!!!

Cuz all the time I was just yearning for intentionality & reciprocity of POSITIVE & HEALTHY LOVE I SHOULD’VE BEEN GIVING MY DAMN SELF and I wouldn’t have been worried abt that shit!!!! 😮‍💨 “you worried about the wrong shit!” STFU…cuz I was LMFAOOOOOOOO. I’m not now LOL.

& Lowkey it’s weird being in ONEderland now LOL. Everyone keep telling me “You look amazing! What are you doing?” I legit tell everyone “beating depression” LOL!! Every damn week I’m peeling off a new emotional layer that was truly WEIGHING me down. Cuz after I starred in the mirror, I wasn’t even mad at them P.A.N’s LMAO….I was mad at myself for being in lack mindset & not FEELING/DISPLAYING that devotion to myself.

All these years…&it took me to having & losing my girls for me to start peeling back my layers to get to ME…but here I am 🫶🏾