I point out two stars in the sky I named Lavon & Latrese every night before I go to bed. They sit above the house all night..I’m having writers block for real, so ima just bang this out the best I can because it is owed to myself. But this Mother’s Day…The hollowness is just sitting a little harder this time in the pits of my stomach. Crazy how I can cross reference that with the IBD I’ve developed during this journey. I’ve been doing really good with that, but I knew the closer this day came…the more churning my soul was doing.

So now I guess you can say I’m sitting in the stage of Depression…but I don’t feel like I normally do in depression. I actually feel great. But I guess this time around….I’m actually able to sit with the WEIGHT of it all, and it’s pretty fucking whack I must say! It”s very uncomfortable..but pressure make diamonds. Remember a couple entries back when I asked the Lord to Mash me for my upcoming season…..Sir… Please pause for now LOL!!!!!!!

And this is the first Mother’s Day I’m stepping into alone…single. Not in a sad way either, more so…my first Mother’s Day as the “ReNewed Me” LOL. And all the love and adoration, I most certainly get from everyone else..it won’t feel awkward this time around. Because what I hear, I feel now…and I’m most definitely deserving…Now it’s time for the first time I continually gave it all to me, because that’s what I lacked. (ringing went off in my ear, that was confirmation LOL). … BUT, I’m excited. I don’t have nothing special planned. At the moment I’m broque LOL. But I’m just happy and I thank God I am on the frequency to be so.

So I guess for my 3rd Mother’s Day, permanence is my gift. What hurts the most, is that it ALL happened. It’s so fucked up…but like I always said, it’s up to the individual to find the lessons/blessings in it all to make it to the next level beyond grief.

Just like Love, sorrow is often where love has no where physically to go. It honestly feels endless man. But lately I’ve been feeling grounded. And I love that. THIS is where grief transforms from raw survival into meaning-making. “Learning to carry what happened without it carrying all of you.”

My heart honors the two beautiful brown girls who I would’ve LOOOOOOOOOOOOVED to hear call me mommy. I held a baby at my niece party today and she just caressed my face with adoration and calmness. And in that moment I felt at peace with it all. And I’ve held dozens of babies since I had mine. But this one…It was different. It was more so…like on movies at the end when the person about to float on off into “the light” but they make themselves known to their person that “last time” to show them they still love them before they move on…yeah…I FELT that.
that’s exactly how I felt holding her. And I had her for a long time lol. She never met me before lol…I just felt it man. Like my niece say “I JUST KNOW THINGS!” LOL. I have faith now, and I know that better things are in store for me. I’m grateful for the opportunity of being a mom for as long as I was. My body did some pretty cool things. So please don’t feel sorry for me this Mother’s Day…I’m happy, in a quirky stoic kind of way lol. I’m not a china doll….I bend, but I don’t break..I just pivot LOL. I HAVE to stay connected to love while surviving the pain of absence, I MUST. And that’s loving and celebrating me first.

Happy Mother’s Day to ME.